am I an asshole for wanting to date someone who makes more money than me?

mixed feelings’ multi-voiced advice column features a mental health expert or writer who responds to your most pressing existential conundrums. Use our anonymous form to be considered for a future newsletter. This week, Vivian Tu, the founder of

Your Rich BFF

, shares her best advice on dating for financial compatibility.

Dear mf,

I have to admit, I am a pretty career-oriented person and I after paying off my student loans, I now make enough money to support my lifestyle. I’ve dated a lot of broke-ass people in the past and I am just so tired of not being able to go on dates or being Venmo’d for a $5 grocery charge. Am I being insane? Am I an asshole for wanting to date someone who makes more money (or a last a similar income) than me? - cravingsecurity49, she/her

Vivian Tu is a former Wall Street trader turned expert, public speaker, host, entrepreneur, New York Times bestselling author, and the founder and CEO of the multi-platform brand, Your Rich BFF. Subscribe to her newsletter, EnRICHed, follow her for finance advice, and listen to her top-charting podcast, Networth and Chill, which recently debuted its second season.

The following is an interview with Vivian Tu, as told to Mi-Anne Chan.

dear cravingsecurity49,

Have you heard of the phrase “opposites attract?” It's actually a crock of shit. Because if you actually look at the research, relationships are much more likely to work out between people who are similar to each other.

[To put it so simply]: If you love to spend your Saturday mornings running and your partner likes to run, too, you have something that you can do together. But if you love to cook and your partner prefers going out, then you may need to bridge that gap. The same can be said about financial compatibility, there is nothing wrong with craving a healthy foundation. And wanting to find someone with similar ambitions, goals, and ultimately who values a dollar the same way you do [is nothing to feel bad about].

We get a bad rap, especially as women, for wanting financial security out of a partner. But in case you haven't seen the stats, more single women own homes than single men in all 50 states. We have less debt in every single category with the exception of student loans because we are becoming more educated. And Fidelity even did a study that showed that women are better investors than men because we [tend to] buy and hold versus trying to day-trade or swing-trade. So if we know this as fact, that women are becoming more moneyed and more successful, they don't need a partner in life — male or otherwise. I think this person is more than justified in wanting someone who's at her level so that they can continue to level each other up, rather than dragging a partner up.

You’re allowed to date someone who is fully-formed and developed. That said, sometimes you find someone who is a diamond in the rough and there are things that you can both improve upon together. When my husband and I first started dating, we barely had two nickels to rub together. He made more than me, and he would always offer to pick up more. He’d pay a little bit more rent, he’d pay a little more for our vacations. And he never made me feel ‘less than’ for earning less.

It doesn’t sound like you’re looking for a Daddy Warbucks to completely sponsor your life. In the same way that when my husband and I first started dating, I made less money than he did, he knew I was working just as hard. I had equal ambition. And it just so happened that my industry did not pay the way that his industry did. And that’s okay.

buckle your own seatbelt first

[But making sure your next partner is financially compatible with you is a two-way street.] And if you want to get your own finances right, you have to S.T.R.I.P.:

• S: Savings. You want to have three to six months of living expenses as a singleton ready in a high-yield savings account. This is just your rainy day fund.

• T: Total debt. Rank your debt from highest to lowest interest rate, make the minimum payment across everything, and then any additional funds you have can go towards your debt with the highest interest rate. Work toward paying off anything that's above 7% — things like credit card debt or a high-interest car loan. Once you’ve paid that off, you can start investing. You don’t necessarily need to race to pay off your debt under 7%, you can continue to make the minimum payment on that while investing. The reason we do this is because, historically, if you invest in a diversified portfolio that roughly tracks the broader stock market — take the S&P 500 for example, which returns 8-10% every year on average — you’re making 10% investing and your debt is lower, so you're essentially netting the difference. You are able to make more money investing than you would save having paid off that debt earlier.

• R: Retirement. You want to take advantage of tax-advantaged accounts like a 401k or a Roth IRA because you get tax benefits for retiring and for preparing for that retirement. So for example, with a Roth IRA you put money into the account and it’s taxed, but when you take it out when you retire, you don't have to pay any taxes. The flip side is true for 401ks: You are putting in pre-tax dollars, so you pay taxes when you take the money out. But it's not just enough to put the money in. You actually have to…

• I: Invest. If you're not sure where to begin, I recommend looking into index funds so you're not trying to cherry pick the perfect stock. You are just buying a diversified portfolio from the jump. You can also look into target-date retirement funds. And if all of that still sounds like gibberish, you can just get a robo-advisor. SoFi is great, they’re a partner of mine, but also Wealthfront and Betterment. You take a quick money quiz about your goals and then they pick a diversified portfolio that makes sense for your risk tolerance.

• P: Have a plan. You don't get to have a happily ever after without actually knowing what it costs to get there. And by having that number in your head, you're going to be able to work backwards to it. And it may help make you feel like your goals aren't so farfetched.

what to look for in them

When it comes to finding a partner who is in a good spot financially, they don't necessarily need to be rich or make more money than you. But I would look for a couple things. First and foremost, are they financially honest? You do not want to date someone who lies about their spending, who has secret debt, or who will hide purchases from you.

[Secondly], you want someone who has a plan of their own. It is not a [red flag] to date someone with debt. It is not a [red flag] to date someone who has made poor financial decisions in the past. But, they should have a plan to get themselves to a good place.

Another thing to look for is shared values. Regardless of how you might want to spend your time and money, you want to find someone who values the dollar the same way you do. Some people value things: They love fashion, they want to have a certain car, they want to [invest in decorating] their house. Other people value experiences: They want to be able to eat new types of foods, they want to go on vacation, they want to be able to have those memories. Those two people may not be the best fit together. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a person out there for each of them, but make sure that you and your partner have the same financial goals and values.

talk about money, even if it’s hard

I have always been very frugal — I’m the only daughter of two Chinese immigrants and my first boyfriend [was the opposite]. He came from generational wealth, and he was not great at managing his money, even though he had a lot more of it than I did. His parents would give him a set sum at the beginning of the month when we were in college, and that first week he would ball out. We’d go to restaurants, take Ubers, go to the club…By the last week, he wouldn’t have that money to blow. But even though I had less, I wasn’t in the [same situation] by week four. We got into a lot of arguments.

[That type of conflict isn’t all that uncommon] — roughly 50% of couples don't talk about money until after they're engaged. You wonder why the divorce rate's so high! In fact, the top two reasons why couples fight every single year is sex and money. They flip flop back and forth [for the number one spot]. Having a good line of communication with your partner could essentially reduce half of the most popular arguments. And you are just going to feel better and more confident about your relationship.

When it comes to finding those pivotal moments [to talk openly about money], I think the biggest financial question that couples face is often: Should we move in together? A lot of things come to light when you’re looking to rent an apartment: they're pulling your credit scores, they're asking about your past residences, maybe even asking for a letter of recommendation. When that happens, you’ll have to have a very open conversation with your partner about things like their credit score. It’s very easy then to segue into other questions like: “Do you mind me asking, do you have any debt?”

[Having debt is extremely common, and nothing to be ashamed of, but when approaching the topic of debt in a partnership], the only thing that really matters is A. Do you care about this person enough to continue the relationship? And B. Do you both have a plan for your partner to pay this debt down or manage it in an [effective] way? Because ultimately, even if you are not required to help pay it down, the fact remains that their debt payments could hinder your ability to start a life together, so you want to choose someone whose debt situation is manageable and something that you are happy to support and live with. That can look very different to different people.

When I first talked to my husband about money, it came out of necessity. I moved into a cockroach-infested apartment and moved into his apartment before finding a new place with my roommate. He was so supportive, but I had to look him in the eye and tell him: “Hey, this is how much money I make. I cannot afford to pay you for the month.” Because I was so vulnerable with him, he told me how much money he made, and it suddenly opened the door to financial conversations. Now, we’re financially naked with each other — we know each other’s incomes, we know about each other’s debt, we know what we can and can’t afford. Because of that, it set a healthy precedent that going forward we could always talk openly about money. So no, I don’t think you’re an asshole at all. Having a partner who can [provide the same security you do] sounds like the bare minimum to having someone in your life.

this essay is by Vivian Tu, as told to Mi-Anne Chan