i'm addicted to the ego-boost of checking my own IG stories
mixed feelings is a bi-weekly advice column. Every other Wednesday, a different mental health expert, author, or journalist will respond to your problems and existential questions. If you like this sort of thing, why not subscribe?
hi mixed feelings,
After reading the column [about] how to stop checking on past friends’ social media, I wanted to ask about how to deal from the other side.
I’m obsessed with checking my Instagram story views so I can see that people from my past are consistently checking on me. These people doubted my talent and potential and were awaiting my failure. Now that I’m successful, I do feel a sense of satisfaction and sweet vengeance knowing that they were wrong. When I share a moment where I’m happy and thankful, I’ll also think about the rush of knowing that someone from my past who was unsupportive feels jealous of my success and pain about my absence in their life. I’m now even more scared of failing knowing that they’d celebrate it.
How do I work on just enjoying my accomplishments and opportunities instead of being obsessed with trying to win this non-existent contest of “who’s doing better”? — figgyjamz, she/they
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Dear figgyjamz,
Comparison is performance art for an audience of one that never ends. I don’t remember who said this first, so I’m paraphrasing. What we mean is this: once you start assigning production value to your life, it no longer belongs to you. But I don’t have to tell you that; you’re living it—and I get that feeling of being half-in and half-out of your own life, watching yourself from above, suspended in dread.
I think of people from my past so often that they live with me. We wake up together. We go on auditions together. We eat dinner together. When I’m feeling particularly masochistic, I let them decide what I should do. It is an exhausting way to exist. I’m in the process of vacating them from my thoughts, which is why I know it’s possible for you to do the same.
comparison: the ultimate performance
Comparison has a biological purpose: self-evaluation (i.e., knowing where we stand), self-enhancement (i.e., feeling better about ourselves), and self-improvement (i.e., using others as inspiration or information about how to get better at something), according to Dr. Erin Vogel, an expert of social media behavior. In her words, we use other people as context for our performance. But it becomes dangerous when they become the sole audience that we are performing for.
Breaking up with your past is easier said than done. Especially with social media anchoring our old lives to us no matter how much we’ve outgrown them. “Social media can put a lot of pressure on us to appear a certain way. We’re constantly feeling like we need to be attractive, successful, popular…” Dr. Vogel says. “Before social media, it was easier to just not communicate with people from our past who we didn’t want to keep in touch with. Now, it’s like our lives have a constant audience. It’s a lot of pressure.”
It is a lot of pressure. It’s also a game that you can’t win. Yes, you can be more accomplished, richer, more popular on paper, but you’ll also be constantly taking those measurements. And when you really, really examine all of that, you’ll realize that it’s all superficial anyways. Take this from a former insecure and mean girl turned Mary Oliver-preaching Buddhist: the “winner” is whoever can find peace. And peace comes from letting go of old ideas of what makes us great and instead focusing on what brings us joy. You say that you feel a rush of happiness, but it’s also followed by fear. What if you didn’t have to ricochet between the two? What if you can just be content and steady, not needing them at all?
live your life offstage
The reason why you can’t just live in your own life, offstage as it were, is because there’s this parasitic dependency on what they think. To break the cycle, you have to find something to replace their approval as the “why” of your life. As in, what is your actual purpose? Are you living or performing? And without knowing you personally, I believe that you have a beautiful life ahead of you. Don’t spoil it by watering it with the past.
When I think about living in the present, I don’t think of it as something we can achieve fully (simply because we can’t). Temptation will always exist and it will be a daily practice to remove ourselves from the constant check-in. When I’m aware of what’s triggering me, I touch grass. Literally. I step outside, lay in the grass, and ground myself with the earth until I remember that we’re just tiny microcosms in the universe. For you, it may look like identifying those moments where you feel the urge to check your story views, knowing that you will feel dread and fear after you give in, and finding the strength to pull away and engage in something, anything else. I like to physically step back from the situation until the feelings shrink back down again.
give yourself (& others) some grace
Most often, when people act with ill-intent, it’s from a place of pain. I can confidently say this because every time I’ve been cruel, jealous, and unsupportive have all been times when I was in “can’t see beyond my own misery” level pain. It doesn’t excuse their behavior and I’m not suggesting that you become besties with the people who made you feel less than, but acknowledge that they’re tuned in to your life like it’s television for a reason—and that might be because there’s something missing in their own lives. You don’t need to fill that vacuum for them. The reality is, all parties in this situation are equally miserable in some way because no one can let the other go. No one is winning.
I also want to challenge your idea of success and failure as binaries instead of the sliding spectrum they are. Living in anticipation of failure does little to prevent it. So, you fail at something. Spectacularly. Publicly, somehow. I’m not saying this to scare you or doubt your talent; I’m just telling you that failure is not an indicator of your worth and it’s as common as mosquito bites.
Most importantly, you have to find a way to not let other people’s opinions define you. Which is the most useless advice in the entire world because everyone says it and how do we do that when we live in a feedback loop where everyone’s opinions—especially the bad ones—are so loud? By treating ourselves with kindness first and foremost. My high priestess Taylor Swift says that there are a lot of cruel voices in the world—don’t let the one in your head be one of them.
Spite is not a sustainable energy source. It’s good for short bursts of motivation, but it’s a dangerous thing to depend on. As much as you’ve accomplished through the lens of proving other people wrong, I know that you’ll do so much more once you start living for yourself. Our best work comes from looking forward, not backwards. Start thinking of the people who have supported you and are in your life now: how can you honor them, instead of the ones who didn’t? What can you share with them, instead of the people watching from afar? And mostly importantly, how can you show up for yourself?
You’ve had a brilliant life so far. Now it’s time to have a peaceful one.
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