mixed feelings’ multi-voiced advice column features a mental health expert or writer who responds to your most pressing existential conundrums. Use our anonymous form to be considered for a future newsletter. This week, Jemma Sbeg, host of The Psychology of your ‘20s podcast, answers: How do I trust that my friend isn’t gossiping about me?
dear mixed feelings,
I recently caught up with a friend that I've had for several years. Over the past years I have met a number of her friends and have had strong negative experiences with them. Until now, I've chosen not to bring it up with her to avoid putting her in the middle of anything…But at our last hang out, I mentioned that a friend of hers reached out to me and that I was a bit reluctant to hang out. She ended up venting about the friend and insulting the friend's character. But it didn't stop there, she ended up venting about all of the other friends I’ve met and really going in..and I mean GOING IN. It wasn't just that another one of her friends had done something that hurt her, but she expressed beliefs that her friends were bad people, that they made her feel uncomfortable…As I scrolled through instagram that same night, I couldn't help but see notifications of her commenting on all of these same friends photos, saying that she loves them. It made me doubt if I should trust her. I can't help but feel as though, if this is how she feels about her closest friends, how does she feel about me? I feel like I've lost trust, but I also fear that I am being too judgmental. I feel like my reluctance to engage with her…is potentially my intuition, but I feel ashamed that I may be making a harsh judgment on someone who has been good to me. What should I do? — IntuitionBuilding69 (she/her, 26)
Jemma Sbeg is a psychology graduate and mental health advocate best known for her chart-topping podcast, The Psychology of your 20s. What started as a podcast recorded in the back of Jemma’s car has amassed 30 million listens, 1.5 million subscribers, and 1.5 million monthly downloads in just three years. Her unique approach combines peer-reviewed research with relatable personal experiences covering topics like imposter syndrome, “hangxiety,” friendship breakups, and more.
dear IntuitionBuilding69,
Gossip is a funny thing. Everyone does it. Some of us enjoy it. A few evolutionary psychologists would tell you that it’s our primal way of sharing social information. Gossip almost exclusively has to do with information about someone else — their drama, their secrets, their quirks and worst attributes — but it always ends up making us think more deeply about ourselves.
I think your conundrum is this: your friend’s decision to not just gossip, but openly express disdain about her friends, is causing you to consider whether, if the situation were reversed, you would be at the mercy of her private frustrations about you. A blur of questions undoubtedly follows. Was she giving you a peek behind the curtain? Showing her true character? Could their names just as easily be replaced with yours in different circumstances? Can you trust her? I think your concern is valid. We want to make sure we have the right people around us — people who we can be vulnerable and open with, without the fear of being betrayed in some way.
That said, you may need to take a step back before making any rash decisions about whether the friendship is doomed to fail. Do exactly what you said: Trust your intuition. Our intuition is such a powerful tool — some say it’s a myth or just ‘anxiety’, but research shows us that trusting that visceral instinct can help us make faster and more accurate decisions. The gut holds a valuable information on how we’re truly feeling about a situation. In this case, your gut is telling you that this friend can’t be trusted. But, if you go back, there is another gut feeling you had way before that: that these friends of her aren’t great people. I think in your scenario, this intuitive feeling is more important.
the thing about cognitive dissonance
I would assume that these negative reactions probably come from a deeper part of you that recognizes their behavior does not align with your values — values I presume you share with your friend, given your long friendship. Perhaps your friend is also figuring this out for herself and realizing these friends just aren’t for her, but remains torn between two truths. Truth one: These are not my people, they are ‘bad’ people, I’m uncomfortable and I’m ready to exit this group. Truth two: Having a group of friends feels nice and I’m scared of being lonely or disliked if I move on.
This may explain why she spent the day ranting to you, only for you to bear witness to a full 180 in the digital realm. What she’s really being driven by is a fear that has nothing to do with you. She is stuck in a place of, what we call in psychology, cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance basically explains the discomfort we feel when we hold two conflicting beliefs, much like your friend. One of the biggest signs of cognitive dissonance is doing some things out of social fear, even if deep down you know you’re unhappy and it isn’t aligned with your values, (like staying friends with people you don’t like for the comfort and security of it all).
Being part of the in-group has a lot of appeal: we feel accepted and seen and safe, which can also sometimes cause us to lose ourselves. When I was 21, at that desperate, cringe age of trying equally hard to both stand out and fit in, I had a group of friends who I can now clearly see were not my people. I felt tense and stressed around them. I was doing things that didn’t align with my character, that I really didn’t want to do. I would cry about being lonely, despite always being around people and most of all, I would vent to my other friends. But it still took me a while to peel myself away because at the time my primary fear was being lonely, and if they provided nothing else, they did give me company.
I have to admit, I see a lot of myself in your friend and although she may be going through all this internal turmoil and confusion and questioning, does that mean she’s ready to take action? In my case, the answer was ‘no’. No matter how much advice my other friends gave me, how many times I spoke about being uncomfortable, I stuck it out. Your friend may be in the same place. She’s not willing to push beyond her comfort zone quite yet. The biggest clue for me comes down to the distinction between gossiping and venting and what this really says about our willingness to change our problems.
gossiping vs. venting
Straight off the bat, venting provides an emotional release. It's worth noting that venting is always our thoughts on a situation and our reactions being shared, and it has the secondary benefit of helping us problem solve. Gossip, on the other hand, has a way of making a problem worse and is usually centered around others, rather than our experience. Your friend is meeting both criteria for sharing “gossip,” rather than looking for emotional validation or asking for help. It’s now seeping into your life, as well, despite your decision to create distance between yourself and these very people who are bothering her.
It’s worth noting that some research suggests gossip can be useful at times, especially when it comes to building solidarity and bonds between people within a group, or as a way to share valuable information about someone else’s reputation. In fact, gossip used to be a word associated with the sharing of knowledge between women, particularly around childbirth. But the meaning of it changed from being educational to sinister around the time of the European witch hunts, because how could women sharing information be anything less than EVIL? Gossip is not as straightforward as we think, so confusion is understandable.
you can’t protect your friend’s peace, but you can protect yours
You asked ‘what do I do?’ Well in this situation, there isn’t much more you can do for her until she’s ready to change the situation for herself or decide these friends aren’t really all that bad. But you can help yourself and test out that second intuition you had: that you can’t trust her anymore.
Intuition is a great tool in this situation because you can test that gut feeling you have. Before you can make a judgement about the friendship, just double check it’s really the thing spiking your stress. This next analogy is going to sound strange but stick with me. When dietitians or doctors are testing out food intolerances or allergies, they’ll ask patients to eliminate the food for 4-6 weeks, see if they feel better, introduce the food back, and see if they feel worse. Of course, neither you nor her are carbohydrates or lactose, but I like to adopt the same strategy when I begin to get suspicious that something (or someone) may be causing me unnecessary mental stress.
Take a step back from her by giving her a 4-week separation period in which you just find a way to love her from a distance, and with a bit more detachment. Still stay in touch, but less regularly, and after the 4 weeks is up, schedule a hang out. During that time did you feel more at ease, do you feel less stressed, did you miss her? Make a decision from this place, rather than one where you are super agitated by the natural stress of someone letting a lot of intense stuff off their chest.
Sometimes friendships change because the people within them grow. Or sometimes friendships change because the people within them get a bit lost in the weeds. Regardless, you owe her a conversation after this 4-week period, either about why you feel the need to step back, or about whether these friendships are really what’s best for her. Follow the main rule of friendship: What would I want to receive from a friend in this situation? Deliver just that.
Conversations like these can feel confrontational but, in my mind, they are sometimes the deepest form of love and care you can show to another person. It says: “I care enough about this friendship to actually do the hard thing, to be vulnerable and open, rather than opt to just phase you out and hopefully not have an awkward run-in in the street one day.”
Maybe what is also required is a solid boundary around what you do and don’t want to discuss with her. This would help you maintain the friendship, whilst not feeling confronted by her venting every time you interact. You could set a solid boundary that gossip is off limits, explaining that the boundary is coming from a fear of being spoken about similarly unbeknownst to you. Setting a boundary like this isn’t an easy thing, but think of it as a three stage process.
Step one: Acknowledge the feeling and what is making you uncomfortable. In this situation, you already know it has to do with her bad-mouthing her friends.
Step two: Articulate your discomfort to her and introduce the boundary: “I want our friendship to continue and that will mean that we don’t engage in this kind of gossip when we see each other”.
Step three: Have a clear idea in mind around what the consequences will be if this boundary is crossed, and articulate that boundary: “I won’t be able to hang out, see you, or be as close of friends with you if this isn’t respected.”
My final piece of advice is this: Let people figure themselves out. Let them be who they are, even if that version of them isn’t their greatest. At the end of the day, we are only responsible for ourselves, so if that means giving her space to protect your peace, protect your peace. Distance doesn’t mean “done,” and who knows — maybe one day she’ll come to the conclusion you already have, which is that life is too short to be around people who bring out the worst in you.
how do I know my gossipy friend isn't gossiping about ME?