is it possible to be a lesbian but be in love with one specific man?
a new advice format for mixed feelings!
If you’re reading this, you’re probably familiar with mixed feelings’ advice column. But recently we’ve been thinking: What if we cherry-picked some of our favorite write-ins and paired them with some of our favorite writers, inviting in different perspectives on one question?
Exciting news: The “what if” has become a reality! Thoughtful advice can, indeed, be bite-sized.
To kick off the series, we’re thematically starting with two questions that consider the intersection of sexuality and relationships — an intersectionwe consideroften — answered by writers who really know their stuff. But let this be an open forum for you to share your thoughts, too. What advice would you offer, and why? Read on, ponder and share your two cents in the comments, if so inclined. —
DEAR MIXED FEELINGS,
I came out as bi more than a year ago, and I've been slowly unpacking my sexuality ever since…I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than 3 years, and I love him very very much. The issue is, I fantasize constantly about dating women, sleeping with them, and possibly being with one in a long term relationship. (I've slept with women before, so it wouldn't be the first time for that, but first time dating, etc.)
It is hard to describe how I feel to a lot of my queer friends, as I think a lot of them see it as a no-brainer to leave my bf and live my life as a lesbian (which I think if I wasn't dating [my partner], would be how I identify). They know that if my bf and I broke up that I have no interest in dating a man again and that I don't see myself with them at all. But what's hard to convey is how much I love my bf as a person and an individual despite gender, and I'm not sure how to reconcile this abstract burning desire I have for women with the love and friendship I have with my bf…So I guess my question is: how do I reconcile these things? Should I accept that I can't and try to figure out what I want more? (Tough to answer, but also: what should I do?)
— Rainbow Chair, she/her
Rainbow Chair,
What you’re experiencing is a unique type of grief common among many queer individuals, and it’s completely valid. Navigating a new identity can be challenging, but your questions reflect a genuine effort to know yourself better. Society holds many preconceived notions about how bisexuals should exist, particularly those in straight-passing relationships. This external pressure can make us feel like our relationships should represent our sexuality, leading to an undue burden to prove our queerness. Breaking up with your boyfriend or opening the relationship to explore your bisexuality is a valid choice, but you might consider if you believe being with a woman is the only way to affirm your bisexuality.
While labels like bisexual and lesbian are helpful to many, if you’re having a hard time finding the right fit, people find the term ‘queer’ or ‘gay’ to be all-encompassing. Existing as a bisexual is a radical act in a world that forces you to choose sides. Sexuality is a spectrum and your bisexuality is a living embodiment of it.
Remember, expressing your sexuality is a personal journey that can be explored in many ways, including spiritually, physically, emotionally, and communally. Ultimately, who we date and who we are attracted to are separate aspects of sexuality, and you have the freedom to choose how you express it.
— short distance cyclist, aspiring sommelier, sex columnist and founder of Fluid Health, Varuna Srinivasan (Editor’s note: Fluid Health hosts bisexual support groups should you be interested in attending.)
Dear Rainbow Chair,
I understand your predicament — I’d describe myself as a “benched bisexual,” and though I hope to stay with my boyfriend for the rest of my life forever until we both die at the exact same moment <3, I also miss gay sex! It seems like what you want is to love your boyfriend while also fulfilling your desire to be with women. Luckily, we live in the Age of the Open Relationship and finding new partners no longer means leaving your long-term lover, if that’s something you’re open to. That being said, I think it’s also important to be respectful and up front with the women you want to be with sexually — you don’t want to be using women for sexual gratification while being emotionally unavailable if they’re expecting something more. Finding balance between the comfort of a long-term partner and the excitement of a budding relationship can be difficult, but challenging yourself and making mistakes and navigating disaster and discovering bliss along the way might be just what you need.
— writer, newly-minted PHD candidate, vegan hot dog connoisseur, creator of the newsletter Evil Female, <3
DEAR MIXED FEELINGS,
One of my closest friends moved to Far, Far Away Land and once a year she flies to our hometown and invites myself and another friend on a weekend trip to her Uncle’s house. We have been going on these trips together for a decade. It’s the one weekend per year that guarantees us time together. The problem is that it is not just the three of us, but also my friend’s immediate and extended family, most of whom are, well, super homophobic. While I did not specifically come out to her family, they do know I am queer and have been in a queer relationships for a while now. While they “accept me”, or at least pretend to, they don’t respect me enough to refrain from making homophobic comments in my presence, knowing it will create tension.
Remaining passive on these trips has become increasingly painful, but ditching the tradition and sacrificing the small window of time I get to see my best friends every year would be a different type of devastating. This year her family has expressly forbade my partner from joining the trip. While not surprising, I was confused to receive this news, as I had never asked to or planned to bring them with me in the first place. A twist to the knife I did not know was there. Do I talk to my friend? Do I fake a new illness every year? Any advice is welcome here.
— UrLesbianBestie, she/they
UrLesbianBestie,
On first reading this, the wise words of Kim Cattrall come to mind: "I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself." Not only are you not enjoying yourself, you are subjecting yourself to an environment that is taking a toll on your mental health. And these people aren't even your blood family!
The good news is that being queer is all about breaking from traditions that harm us and creating something new. Why not suggest to your besties that you try renting a place of your own for a change? Why not go directly to Far, Far Away Land, or pick a destination that is somewhere between the two of you? There are so many possibilities that exist here beyond the false dichotomy of "force myself to endure homophobic abuse" or "never see my best friend again."
Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn’t note the following: If this has been going on for years and your friend is still choosing to subject you to an environment that they know is actively hostile to you, maybe they're not as good of a friend as you thought they were.
— world's most normal staff writer at Them dot us, Tumblr 2014 historian, karaoke enthusiast, James Factora
Hi UrLesbianbestie!
First of all, I’m sorry this is happening. Too often as queer people we’re forced to navigate other’s discomfort with the mere reality of our existence. It’s tricky to be in an environment where you simultaneously feel safe and unsafe, never knowing when you might be caught off guard by a stray comment. Talk to your friend. While they can’t control their family’s behavior, they can support you, and I’m sure they don’t want you feeling uncomfortable and unhappy during this trip, which clearly means a lot to you both. It’s on your friend to set some kind of guidelines with their family, and if the comments aren’t going to stop, they could at the very least create some boundaries around comments made directly toward you, especially when you’ve chosen not to engage.
If all else fails, maybe it’s time to create a new tradition with those friends? Sometimes we have to let go of what we’ve known to make space for something better, and sometimes that means taking matters into our own hands.
— Biscuit wife, novelist, product tester, and newsletter founder,